Area Man Silently Judging Your Entire Existence Based on your Bumper Sticker

insert triple-eyebrow raise here

They tell us your political affiliation, where you’ve traveled, how old you are, what deity you complain to, how many kids you have, and generally what you believe in. And make no mistake, I am absolutely judging you based on these things and these things alone. I see your #trumptrain sticker and raise you a ☪︎☮︎⚤✡︎⛧࿊✞.

What I don’t understand is why we feel the need at all. You slap a sticker on your car to tell other drivers a little about yourself, they pass a quick judgment, then you never see each other again.

I do a lot of driving for work, and it never ceases to amaze me how people choose to sum up their lives with a bumper sticker. It’s baked into our DNA to bond and connect with other humans, but does it make sense to put a sign on your car condensing your entire personality to such a minuscule element?

One thing that baffles me about simplifying your identity so much is that I don’t know if people ever stop to question why they believe the things they do. Sure, my parents took me to church and things were done a certain way in the old days, but that doesn’t mean I should keep doing them that way. Tradition is fine if it’s kept for healthy reasons, but not because we’re afraid of change.

Believing in something enough to put it on your vehicle makes me wonder what your life has been like to lead you to the moment you slapped that “Fuck Your Feelings” sticker on your truck. I wish I knew why you are so afraid of everything, and I hope you’re not teaching that shit to your kids.

In the depths of my soul, I know that most people are infinitely deeper and more complicated than we’ll ever get to know. Even those who appear simple-minded have a story to tell, but not everyone can access those depths. Perhaps that’s why I like writers so much.

We are each more than one thing, one idea, one belief, or one facet. We are many things—remarkable and complicated—the best of us willing to learn and grow. The ones able to look inside themselves and ask why we do the things we do usually don’t have enough conviction for a black and white opinion. We know the world is nuanced and ever-changing.

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Still, everyone thinks they’re the good guy in the story. We all think we’re battling the empire, but our realities are different. So, we sum it all up with a single sticker for the world to see. At first I thought maybe bumper stickers were the first memes, but memes convey more of a story. Bumper stickers are more like an early status update to people literally driving by. From “Baby On Board” signs to suction-cup Garfield to political rhetoric, people have been putting things on their cars for as long as they’ve had them. I like to imagine their stories.

I know there is more to you than liking Dave Matthews Band because I see your “Fire Dancer” sticker, but it only makes me see you as an aging 80s/90s kid like me. When I pass you, I’ll look into your car and wonder what kind of life you’ve had. I imagine you still rocking Ants Marching with your 9 and 12-year-olds in the back with their headphones on, oblivious to the melancholy you feel when you think of the old days. You want the best for them, but reconciling the technological world we live in with your childhood is difficult.

I know there is a story behind your Bernie 2020 sticker, despite the fact that it’s fading into a depressing pallor alongside your large stick-figure family, which tells me your pull-out game is quite weak. You’re hopeful for a different outcome for every election, but hope things at least won’t get worse. And you hope your second vasectomy worked.

I know you’re more than a runner when I see your 13.1 sticker, but you’re proud of the fact that you can still run a half marathon. I wonder if you’d planned to do a whole 26.2 but then blew out your knee. Or maybe you like the thought that people will think you’re fit because running=being thin and sexy. Though you don’t need to worry about any of that because knowing who you are is the sexiest thing. Maybe you’re trying desperately to stay young and fit despite the Sysiphean nature of aging.

I certainly hope there is more to you than the Ford logo made of an American flag on your truck. We know it’s a Ford. It says so on the giant tailgate made for accessing things you can haul but won’t. I want to know what makes you a Ford guy instead of a Chevy guy. Was it because your father was a Ford guy? Or maybe he was a Chevy guy and you’re pushing back. What makes Ford better than any other car manufacturer? Because Ford is “American”? Look, do what you want to do and believe what you want to believe in, but I hope you have a reason other than years of American marketing has sucked out your brains. I hope you’re teaching your kids that it’s okay to cry and that whoever they are is amazing.

As much as I love the word “fuck,” I don’t care to see it on a car. I’m not a prude and I use the word as much as possible, but forcing everyone else in public to see it bothers me. It’s rude. It’s uncouth. It’s one of those words that should be used responsibly and not haphazardly. Fucking idiots.

I do enjoy ironic or confusing bumper stickers, though. Ones that make you think or don’t make sense. Like “Thicc dads who vape for christ” with a YinYang. I have one friend with a sticker that says “I brake for” and that’s it.

The only sticker I’ve ever put on my car says “Area Man” which gives me license to do whatever I want. But mostly it’s just me thinking of weird headlines about my life like, “Area Man Mentally Flogging Himself for Forgetting to Thaw Chicken”, or, “Area Man Grasping at Last Hopes Wife Won’t Find Empty Reese’s Bag Before He Can Take out Trash”.

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I guess I don’t have any answers. Maybe these are passing thoughts by an area man who drives too much.

Ooh that’s a good one.

“Area Man Spends Hours a Day Contemplating the Deeper Meaning of Bumper Stickers”.